Friday, August 08, 2008

My week of assholes

Four day work-week, three normal sized assholes and and one BIG GIANT ASSHOLE.

1. The asshole neighbor who left his 2-year-old home alone, or rather, in the yard alone, locked out of the house, with no food or water. After pounding on doors and finding no one home, the neighbor and I decided that, the child having been outdoors and on her own for nigh on 2 hours by our mutual count, it was time to call the police. Anybody could've snatched her up in that time. Anybody. I can't even think about the horrors her father's neglect might have led to.

2. The asshole who ripped me a new one on a forum for no fucking good reason except that she had an urge to be a presumptuous, judgmental, verbally abusive asshole. It's an invitation-only forum, which means everybody there has been vouched for as Not An Ignorant Asshole. And yet, she insisted on talking to me as if I'm a functionally illiterate sheet-wearing yahoo. I mean, after all, EVERY Southerner is a sheet-wearing yahoo, right? Fuck that. The entire goddamned nation of the USA was built on the backs of Native Americans, and the entire economy was built on slavery. So any fucking northerner who wants to get all HolierThanThou and pretend like the legacy of slavery is strictly a *Southern* thing can kiss my white ass. Europeans aren't guiltless in this matter, so don't get all fucking smug if your people came over after 1865, crackers!

3. The asshole I work with who spends all of her time chatting about boys and shoes and lipstick and therefore can't be bothered to answer her email or do her job in a functional, timely, and competent fashion. The one who doesn't even have so much as a bachelor's degree in the field she's been hired to work in, but who thinks *SHE* is better than ME because she's in the fucking Junior League or some shit. [which I would join under no circumstances, never, even if they were to join the 21st century and consider asking an unmarried woman to join their stupid little sorority]. She's such an asshole that, even after I had left the building, done some deep-breathing, AND taken a chill pill, I STILL called her up and shouted at her that she was a total asshole. AAAAASSSS HOOOOOLLLLE. I did. She's an asshole. And a republican. Lazy, incompetent, judgmental, hypocritical, provincial, immature, two-faced, snob who is actually, despite the fact that she acts like a twelve-year-old, in her forties. I want to squash her with my thumb and forefinger. I hope I ruined the start of her vacation with her equally asshole-ish boyfriend. Twit.

Finally, let me just add this: the entire town of Buttcrack? It's an asshole. An oppressive, hot, provincial, self-absorbed, delusional, judgmental, hypocritical town that thinks it's nice, but you know what? It's not. People here are EXACTLY as nice to me as they were when I moved here seven years ago. No more, no less. I don't follow the script. I am not married, with children, and a church-goer. I don't play Garden Club (which, btw, it's not about gardening! it's about tea parties! who knew?), I don't give a fuckity fuck about Junior League or the country club or the god-awful musical revues put on by the local amateur theater. I don't play golf or tennis or bunko. I'm not desperate for a husband, not even a doctor or banker or lawyer. In fact, I have a policy of NOT dating doctors, bankers, and lawyers. I was here for six years before anybody unrelated to my employment invited me to their home. Let me note, however, that she only invites me to "girls' nights". Single women don't get invited to her other parties. Everybody here thinks they're soooooo niiiiiiice, but if you don't get with the program, the best you can expect is the same formal courtesy you got on Day One.

Assholes, every one.


nola said...

Please return to the land of Freaks, Queers and Alcoholics immediatly!!

We miss you!

lolololololulzy said...

lol, ur jus jellous

auberginefleur said...

Re #2, what was the comment and where can I read it!

If you don't act like a local, they won't treat you as one. Do you really want to be close friends with these people anyway?

Come visit me in Japan. It is hot and sweltering right now, just like home.


Michele said...

and why can't you come back to NOLA? Surely there must be something here for you... I mean we have our share of assholes, make no mistake, but at least you can find some kindred spirits.

Jezebella said...

Michele, believe me, if there WAS something in NOLA for me I'd be there in a heartbeat. But no, there really isn't a job for me there. The last curator position in NOLA was hiring at a max salary of $3k LESS than what I'm making now. I just can't take a pay cut to live in a place that costs 3x what Buttcrack costs. Tenure-track art history positions aren't exactly thick on the ground either.

Jezebella said...

AF, you're right, I don't want to be best friends with a bunch of republican yahoos. I just wish there were people here that I had something in common with.

Can you not read comment #2? It's a trolly improperly spelled version of what I *think* is the English language, something about jelly? And the the ancient Near Eastern city of Ur? I dunno exactly.