Savage Love - September 27, 2006 | The A.V. Club

Savage Love - September 27, 2006 | The A.V. Club

I kind of want to rant about Dan Savage's suggestion that a woman who's attracted to a man who can't be bothered to pick up after himself just, you know, suck it up and BE HIS FUCKING MAID, but you know what? Others will handle that, and with much more skill than I care to throw at the problem. Personally I think she needs to refer the guy to a good maid service.

Instead, I'm interested in the exchange farther down the page, where a fat girl writes to Dan with the problem that lots of boys want to fuck her, but none want to date her. Or, to be blunt: they won't be seen in public with her. Dan's answer starts down the right path, wherein he explains that young men are so concerned with other people's opinions that they are embarrassed to be seen dating the people they actually are attracted to. He got it partly right, and for that I applaud him. However, herewith, an open letter to "No More Dater Haters":

My chubby sister, you have one important lesson to learn, and it is a very hard & depressing one, but listen closely: A man who wants to fuck you doesn't necessarily LIKE you. In fact, some men who don't like you at all want to fuck you. They're all of a breed: racists who dig interracial porn; homophobes who are repressed homosexuals; woman haters who fuck women; and fat-girl haters who want to fuck fat girls. The time is now to kick all of the motherfuckers out of the bedroom who will not be seen with you in public. Demand that your lovers also date you, and you'll find they break down into two groups:

1. The ones who bail because really, they don't like you. Put a boot in their ass and put 'em on the Do Not Call list. They're no loss.

2. The ones who really do like you but are so concerned with what other people will think that they are afraid to be seen dating a fat girl. These boys need to GROW UP. If you really like one of these boys, tell him he needs to butch up, grow a spine, and be man enough to stop cowering in fear that his buddies might snicker because he's not dating a barbie doll. If he's not mature enough to do this, you know what to do: dump the motherfucker already.

Now, phase two: what next? I have a few suggestions. First, consider moving southward if you aren't already here. Practically everybody is fat & happy in the south, and you see men of all sizes dating women of all sizes. I've never been so suitor-less as when I lived in the snowy north. Down south, not so much a problem.

Second, date black men, latinos, or men of any race who grew up in working class families. I find there's a lot less fat-hating & fat-fearing in these communities. Your average middle-class white boy is a waste of time. Hardly any of them are smart enough to escape their training and do something that might be "weird" to their friends & families. They're more interested in appearance than substance, so let 'em date the skinny princesses.

Third, the corollary to Dan's advice: if you're dating the young, have patience, as it may take a few years to get both sex and companionship from the same guy. And make no mistake: if you want both, you deserve both. Do not settle for less.